Dr. Feelgood

There was not a BLOG last week.  Why?  The rabbit hole.  The god damned rabbit hole.  Here's a little intel on the inner workings of my mind (in case you're bored).  Things get in my head and as quickly as they're in, they disappear.  Except some things, usually it's the oddest & most obscure things that get locked in forever.  Stuff like Jesse Barfield leading all baseball in home runs with 40 in 1986.  40 seems low to lead MLB, doesn't it?  Well that's the pre-steroid era for you.  But you know who led the national league in 1986?  Mike Schmidt.  Hall of famer Mike Schmidt.  He had 37.  Thirty Freakin' Seven.

Did you know that the all time leader for triples is Sam Crawford? (309)
Did you know that Babe Ruth was the all time home run champ with 714?  Sure lots of people did.  But did you know that he had been the all time home run champ since he hit his 139th home run?
Did you know that there have 13 players who've hit .400 since 1900?
How about this one ... did you know that Ty Cobb is the only person to lose a batting title while hitting .400 (to George Sisler) AND win a batting title whilst another player hit .400 (over Shoeless Joe Jackson)?

Anyway, when I'm laying in a bed taking my last breaths, I'll remember that stuff.  You know why?  I can't get that shit out of my head.

And then there's the questions or statements that make me scratch my head.  The one I heard a couple of weeks ago was that Derek Jeter was the only player in MLB history to have played 20 or more years AND have their team be over .500 each season, to which I immediately called "bullshit".  And after nearly two weeks of painstaking research of 159 players that played at least 20 years, here are the results.  By the way, this shit is now permanently in my head now too. 

Bill Buckner, Gaylord Perry & Eddie Murray were all .500 for the first 9 years of their careers.
Stan Musial and Dwight Evans were both over .500 for the first 11 years of their careers.
Bartolo Colon was over .500 for the first 12 years of his career.
Hank Aaron, Carlton Fisk and Dennis Martinez were over .500 for the first 14 years of their careers.
Derek Jeter (pronounced Geetta) was over .500 for every year of his miserable fucking 20 year career.   

Okay .... enough ..... part II of the cheating scandal below ....

For Part I of the TOT - Cheating Scandal click here ===> Monk-ey Business

What do we know?

Emeil Edwards / Double "E" / The Trappist admitted to taking androteadione.  In fact, he was quite forthcoming with that information.  It should be noted that andro is NOT a steroid.  However, it is widely thought to be a pre-cursor that aids in steroid use as well as being an entry to level to harder cheating drugs such as stanozolol, human growth hormone, infant fingernail clippings, hormone accelerators, growth modulators, cannabinoids and of course tea, Earl Grey - decaf.

As Emeil took his first tentative steps on his slippery slope, what were the results?  Could he possibly improve on his .773/78 hits/52 runs slash line of 2015?  Well how about a .902 average / 113 hits / 68 runs scored in 2016.  He had certainly accomplished his goal of being the most feared hitter in the league.  Despite the amazing bat, he still dove for every ball in his general direction.

Imagine for a moment that you're a 62% student in math.  Math is finite, it's right or it's wrong, no room for opinion.  You spend all summer working your ass off and you make yourself into a 77% student the next year!  I'm going to give you all the "atta boy's" that you can handle for making a substantial jump like that.  Seriously, good for you!  But if all you do the next summer is grind baby fingernails into powder that you end up snorting or dissolving in your tea, Earl Grey - decaf; and you STILL manage to jump another 13 points to a 90% average, then I'm gonna start asking some questions.

There's clearly more to this story.

Emeil entered the league in 2012 and played for the Dislocated Joints.  They were a good team with an interesting cast of characters including childhood bully Derryl Gaudet, the ever youthful Downtown Billy Brown and Harley "The Tank" Sherman.  But this is also where he, for the first time, met Paul Gyori who has quietly been referred to around the league as Dr Feelgood.

There seems to be an interesting connection between Gyori and people having career years, check this out.

• In 2007 he played with Rob Hayward, the next season Rob would be rated #1
• In 2008 he's reunited with Hayward on the Dog Catchers and Rob would interestingly stay a #1
• In 2009 he ends up on the Torn Ligaments with Chuck Cragg, who would be a #1 the next season. 
• In 2010 he plays for the Hurtin' Units.  Guess what, Robin Dickson would be a #1 the next season.  Guess what else, the Units win the regular season championship.  Oh, team mate Chris Ross suspiciously wins his 2nd Diamond Award.  
• 2011 he returns to the Hurtin' Units.  There is clearly friction between captain Mike Olliffe and Dr. Feelgood and not only does the team struggle, but there's no brilliant personal stats either. 

Paul "Dr Feelgood" Gyori felt that the only solution was to have his own team, so he moved into the captaincy realm.  What followed was the resurrection of the flailing career of Andy Gee who quite suddenly became known as "Sir Andrew Gee" after winning MVP of the all-star game!  He selected Mike Iacoucci off the waiting list in his first year as a Captain and what did Mike do?  Iacoucci took Farah deep to right field in his first Oldtimer's at bat.  Steve Grenkie played a full season for the Sons Of Pitches after 5 injury plagued years with the Rusty Rebels.  Also former teammate Al Bales would win a Diamond award.  

Everyone who crossed paths Gyori were suddenly and surprising having the best years of their careers, Casullo, McCarron, Ferris, Westover ... the list goes on.  

And then there's Emeil.  

Everyone knows that Emeil fell on hard times.  Suddenly that potent bat, flawless defense and his distinctive, yet barely mediocre, speed were negatively and noticeably impacted.  2017 and 2018 saw Emeil's stats fall so far that people stopped using the "Double E" tag.  You need to deliver to earn a nickname I guess.  People started calling him "Single E" because he rarely got passed first base.     

This won't be a shock to anyone, but the Dr Feelgood and the Trappist are tightly linked - a link that would become painfully apparent in 2019.  How tight?  Did you know that Paul was born in the year of the Tiger according to the Chinese calendar?  And Emeil was born in the year of the dog.  Both tigers and dogs have 4 legs, 2 ears and a tail. 

And it doesn't stop there. 

What are the odds that these two random guys would sign up on the same day (Jan 3/2019), less than 3 hours apart?  And what are the odds that those two would end up on the same team?  Not enough for you, because I've got more. 

Clearly everyone knows that Emeil is an Aquarius and Paul is a Cancer.  I swear to god that this is right out of the zodiac guide:  "In a friendship between a Cancer and Aquarius, the two star signs from opposite ends of the zodiac are naturally drawn together.  Cancer (Paul) and Aquarius (Emeil) are both resolute and ambitious, both signs despise opposition from the outside world.  Neither sign minds hard work as long as it procures them success in their endeavors.  The most striking thing about a Cancer / Aquarius relationship is their tremendous combined strength when they work together."

And work together they did.  With Dr. Feelgood's elixir of eternal youth ("allegedly"), the Emeil of yester-year was reborn.  The double E we all admired had resurfaced.  The Trappist was revitalized.  And how did this translate?  Another friggin' batting tittle for Emeil.  A trip to the finals for the Sons of Pitches.  Pendlebury, Polny, Nesich, Gee & Westover all having career years. 

Please don't think that this went unnoticed.  Don't think that people didn't start lining up the coincidences.  Don't think that social in Tottenham didn't EXPLODE this winter with accusations.

I've reached out to both Gyori and Edwards and have given them ample opportunity to defend themselves.  Emeil is doing the Hugh Armstrong routine, "I don't really do email."  While Paul, oddly, just replies with random pictures of baseball gloves. 

Meanwhile, someone is emailing me from a burner account called "suckit.doug.dwyer@gmail.com" (yes it's a real account and these are actual emails).  Someone is clearly pissed that I'm digging into this and is sending me threatening messages.  I don't want to call too much attention to this, but here are a couple of examples .... be advised, these are really mean spirited:

From: SUCK.IT <suckit.doug.dwyer@gmail.com>
Sent: January 8, 2020 5:11 PM
To: Douglas Dwyer <dwyerdouglas@gmail.com>
Subject: Time's Up

I'm going to kill you with kindness

From: SUCK.IT <suckit.doug.dwyer@gmail.com>
Sent: January 9, 2020 4:53 PM
To: Douglas Dwyer <dwyerdouglas@gmail.com>
Subject: Shut Up

I will dress you in a cabbage outfit and feed you to my rabbit.  It will be a VERY slow death!

From: SUCK.IT <suckit.doug.dwyer@gmail.com>
Sent: January 11, 2020 20:48 PM
To: Douglas Dwyer <dwyerdouglas@gmail.com>
Subject: I've got your number!

You think you're so smart with your investigation.  All your investigatory questions make you SOOOOO brilliant, don't they????  I'll tell you right now, you'll never bring me down.   NEVER!  And you'll never crack this case.  I can read your mind and am always one step ahead of you.  I'm like a sleep walking, ESP, Yeti.  

  
++++  Don't worry, I'm not taking these threats too seriously and I've alerted the authorities who are currently scanning IP addresses and trying to get to the bottom of this.  Next week, the social media explosion that has divided Tottenham.  By the way, I think he meant Jedi in the last email?  ++++


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